I need an outlet for the day to day struggles of being a mom and wife. I have depression and anxiety on top of trying to raise four children. I feel like blogging may be a therapeutic experience for me and a good way to reach out to anyone else facing similar struggles.
“It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply.”
Today is my day. The day I celebrate my age advancement. The day I celebrate myself. The day I celebrate when I graced the world with my presence.
I have always loved my birthday. It was the one day absolutely everything was about me. I loved that as a child. I loved the attention and of course cake and presents. Even as a young adult I still loved my day. It was my second favorite day if the entire year, only second to Christmas.
That is until I became a mom. My oldest was born just a little over a month before my birthday and I have never celebrated the same since. I also don’t love that I am getting older. The birthdays still in my twenties were a little more exciting than the ones that began my thirties. In my twenties, my friends and I still got together and went out. The last few years we haven’t.
I also spent a good part of the last few years depressed around my birthday. It has most likely been a mixture of feeling my age and all the stress of having young children. The stress itself keeps me on the borderline of having my depression rear it’s ugly head. I have also felt burnt out the past few years. I have been stuck in a rut and bored with the monotony of raising babies. I have spent nearly half my life as a mother. I began to lose myself in all this and in turn began to hate anything that reminded me of yesteryear. My birthday, a day to celebrate me, a day I once looked forward to six months out of the year, had become a day of sadness and despair.
I decided at the beginning of this year to be better. I want to be happier. I want to have more good days. I want to look on the bright side of things instead of living in that comfortable darkness I have called home for so long. I decided to embrace getting older and everything it means. Therfore, Isis have actually been excited about this year’s birthday. I didn’t have anything big planned but I knew I didn’t want to sulk about it this year. I guess my brighter self through this year has been noticeable. My best friend surprised me with a movie night for my birthday and my kids threw me a party. Well, the party was just us at home and they used things around the house to decorate but the thought really touched my heart. They were so excited about it and that I didn’t downplay my birthday this year like I have previously. I let them celebrate me and be happy about it.
And It has been a good day. He had a slight bump in the morning where things were looking rough but I tried my best to work calmly through it and not let it get to me and ruin my day. Normally, those bumps can throw off my entire day. Try as I might I can’t always pull myself up and out of that downward spiral. I’m glad today stayed as a good day.
So, Happy Birthday to me! The thirties aren’t as bad as they seem. Even though I am a third of the way to forty now.
This is so huge!
SO STINKING HUGE!
Mr. K has had food aversion since he was a toddler. He has never been very willing to try much new stuff that didn’t fit directly into the bread or chicken nugget group. He has added and lost a few things he will eat over the years and cycled back on a couple, but for the most part, he only has three foods he eats regularly. Biscuits. Cinnamon rolls. Tyson dinosaur chicken nuggets.
This kid who has only had a handful of foods he could even look at, who gags at the smell of most everything, and who can hardly even sit at the same table with these different foods tried rice and gravy!
He sat down with the plate in front of him and stared. He picked up a morsel of rice and placed it on his tongue. I told him not to overthink it because he would just psyche himself out. He took a bite and quickly spit it back out. He took another bite and actually chewed before spitting it back out. He took a third bite and, again, chewed before spitting it back out. I know he wanted to like it. He tried so hard, he just couldn’t bring himself to. Still, he tried one of the foods he hasn’t eaten since he was a year old. He tried, and that is what matters.
It took everything in me not to cry while watching him take this huge step. I am so incredibly proud of this little man. He has made claims that he would like to start trying new things. He did attempt to take a bite of a banana not too long ago. It went a bit worse than this.
Looks like he and I need to take a trip to the store to let him look and feel different things and see what he wants to try next!
We have actually had a relatively great summer together, the kids and I. Sure, they have fought and drove me crazy. I have lost my cool. There has been some yelling and crying. By me and the kids. But we survived.
I can tell it is the ending of summer vacation though. Everyone is stir crazy and tired of each other. The anxiety levels are up. We are all becoming short tempered with each other. We need a break from our summer break.
It is hard when you are mostly stuck inside with each other all day. It has been way too hot to really do much outside for long periods of time. We don’t have a pool or a good water hose to do any water play. The parks around here aren’t very shady. Our little city doesn’t offer much entertainment wise for families either. Normally they would have spent a good bit of the summer at their grandma’s house but she has a houseguest that is keeping the kids from being able to go over. They didn’t get to go swimming at their other grandma’s apartment complex because that pool has been broken all summer.
We did get that little prehistoric adventure and had a couple birthday parties sprinkled in over the last couple months. Overall though, it has been a slow, boring summer.
I wish there were more kids in our neighborhood and that neighbors were all friendly with each other out here. When I was growing up I knew and played with everyone down my street. I was surrounded my family and cousins though. Built in friends there. I feel bad we don’t know any of our neighbors down the road. Even so, Only one has any school age children. At least the bus only stops at one other house down the road besides out next door neighbor.
So they have me and they have each other. That is about it. So together we have been. Inside playing games and watching way too much television.
At least when school starts again they will get to see different faces every day.
I have always been against medicating children. I swore I would never medicate any of my children. I was against even using Tylenol or Motrin unless necessary. I didn’t even take medicine myself unless absolutely necessary.
Then I actually became a mom. Ha!
Pregnancy was rough. I stayed sick and everything hurt.
Mr. K scared us to death when he had his first febrile seizure at just a few weeks old. After that, anytime he was feverish I had the Tylenol ready.
Once we finally got his ADHD diagnosis everyone asked if we would medicate him. It has been a struggle and it has been hard for him. When we FINALLY got the Aspergers diagnosis too, I was asked again about medicating. I have been adamant about not medicating for that until absolutely necessary. He has had a very rough couple of years in school and some not so great teachers. He has been struggling to stay focused. He has struggled with keeping his assignments in order.
While he has matured a lot in the last year with middle school on the horizon we have been playing around with the idea of trying out medication. I sat him down and discussed it a little with him. We asked a few of his peers who are on medication their view. We spoke with his Behavioral Therapist and also a trusted teacher friend. Together, we decided to give it a try. With puberty coming at any time and the craziness of Middle School we just feel it is worth a shot.
Our hopes are that it will help him to focus so he can get his work done. We all know they have so much work these days. We hope it helps him find a calm in the midst of all the chaos.
We have officially begun the journey to try medications. We have spoken with the doctor at our therapy group. We had our first appointment with the nurse to get history and fill out paperwork. (There is so much paperwork!) We have had his labs done. Phew. Which he totally rocked the blood draw. He did better than me when I had to have it done!
I am anxious about this step. I don’t want it to change him. He is amazing as is. Always has been, always will be.
Sunday is supposed to be a day of rest. This is what I hear, but for me Sundays can be my most unrestful day. Not that I am physically busy, though sometimes I am. Sunday tends to be the day my anxiety and depression hit the worst. My mood swings get wild, I am overly frustrated by everything, and just downright unpleasant. There was a span of months, maybe even a year long span, that every Sunday I would be “in a mood”. Hence, why my husbands dubbed my issue “A case of the Sundays”.
I haven’t figured out why Sunday in particular was so hard. Maybe because Sunday is that day where one week ends and new one begins. It is a transitional day. My depression doesn’t know how to transition easily. It comes on full force at times. It sneaks up on me gradually other time. Then it can leave as quickly as it came or go on for months.
I have mostly learned my stressors. Stress, for instance, which is my constant state of being. I stress over everything. Literally. The stress wears me down and gives way for my depression to sneak back up. Anxiety is another friend of mine. Always there, telling me to worry about everything. Replaying every single situation I have been in as far back as I can remember. Perfection, or the perceived need to be perfect that is. I know I am not perfect and it is impossible to be but my mind needs me to be. I plan and over plan every aspect of my life. When things don’t go the way I plan it sets off a ripple effect. Add all these aspects on top of a fragile psyche and I drown. I am always inches away from going completely under.
Sundays aren’t my only hard days. Any given day can be a hard day. Any moment of any day can turn a good day into a hard day. Any slight hitch in my plan can set my mind off and turn my day upside down. Some times it is easier to hide than other times. When I am with certain people it is easier to keep that air of having it together. I can’t let anyone know I am not perfect, after all. I have invested so much into my perceived image that the world gets to see. Even my family and friends have only had glimpses into my true reality. The walls I have built are so tall and thick and heavy that they keep my true self hidden well only letting out little specks every now and then through the cracks.
This even, is only a glimpse. I could feel my mood slipping and my false happiness beginning to fade so I wanted to write it out. To let some of it go. I have never been good at “talking it out” or sharing my feelings. I usually hold back until it becomes too much and everything explodes out like a canon ball firing from a canon.
I’m working on that.
It is still early yet on my Sunday but I am striving to win this battle and have more good days than hard and less “case of the Sundays” on any day of the week.
Today, my mom and I, took the turkeys on a little adventure. We surprised them with a road trip. We didn’t tell them where we were going or why, just said to get dressed and get in the car.
The ride itself was relatively quick and completely painless. The kids read books and talked to each other. Only one asked how long until we got there. We only had to make one potty break. Oh! and no one hit each other! Did I mention, our trip was only an hour away?! Even so, and hour is an eternity for my crew but I think they were just excited for the change of scenery as we have been mostly stuck in the house as of late.
Do you want to know where we went? If the title doesn’t give you a hint… We surprised the kids with a trip to the Prehistoric Park. It is basically a zoo of dinosaurs if anyone doesn’t know! I wish I would have caught the expressions on their faces when we pulled up and saw the big old Brachiosaurus at the entrance!
We didn’t quite know what to expect and the place has mixed reviews but all kids love dinos so we chanced it. It is mostly statues of the dinosaurs with the stands that have their information. A roar and other dinosaur sounds can be heard throughout the park on the speakers. Miss Diva was a little frightened at first but she warmed up after a few dinos. It was really neat to see, first hand, just how big they would have been. You see on movies and shows them compared to people but it is a whole other experience to see their greatness up close. The boys were excited to see each dinosaur and just the experience in general. Of course, K spouted off all of his extensive dinosaur knowledge for us and the other guests. He also got a kick out of the little random jokes that were posted. I do believe their favorite part was the gift shop though! Toward the end there were some animatronic dinosaurs that moved. That was pretty cool!
After we finished with the gift shop we enjoyed the little park area and fossil dig for a while. We did lunch at Piccadilly and stopped off at a small Alligator sanctuary on the way home.
Overall it was a great day. I was pleasantly surprised because I tend to overthink our outings and end up stressing the whole time. I managed to stay calm and actually enjoyed myself today which we all needed. A fun day, doing family stuff, and enjoying it!
I almost forgot! We got to see and hold an actual Mosasaurus fossil!