Giving of Thanks

It is Thanksgiving week.

Boy has this year flown.

This year has been a tough one.

I’ve had more down episodes with my depression and anxiety this year than I have had in a long while.

It’s been a rollercoaster. I fell to the lowest point I had ever been in years.

Those suicidal thoughts crept back in.

It was hard seeing story after story of people’s suicides and addiction battle as well. And the movement for sexual abuse survivors. It was all very triggering. The many, many posts being shared, that I would inevitably read, sent me back into that dark place. All the memories, all the pain came bubbling to the surface.

It got to the point my husband even talked about going to the hospital.

I feel bad for putting him through that too. I imagine it’s also pretty darn hard to sit on the outside watching someone you care about suffer and being helpless to really help them. And the kids as well having to deal with my short tempered, snappy self.

I am very Thankful for them, though. My husband has come a long way in recent years, and he truly does everything he knows how to help me through the bad days. He also bought me a puppy which has had me focused and happy, because well, puppies make everyone happy.

I am Thankful for my kids. While they might annoy the living daylights out of me, I know my life would be empty without them.

I am Thankful for my mom. She goes above and beyond for us always. I don’t know what I’d do without her.

I am Thankful for my sweet little puppy. He is the cutest and sweetest little thing. I love dogs!!

I am Thankful for my friends, especially the best friend who always sends me inappropriate yet hilarious memes that keep me smiling through the day.

Find things to be Thankful for in your day. Even if it’s something small. Do it every day, not just on Thanksgiving.

I hope you all have a Wonderful Thanksgiving with your families and friends.

Happy Fall

I am completely ecstatic that it is finally Autumn.

This is my time. I know a lot of people get down in the Fall and Winter but this time of year always makes me happy. Like, genuinely, happy. I still struggle but it always seems easier to break free during this time of year.

I adore all of the colors Autumn brings. I love all of the smells of the season. The cooler weather frees my soul. It’s my comfortable, soul soothing time.

Fall has always been my favorite time of year. I love that beautiful transition from the heat to the lovely cool weather. And while I understand the leaves and everything are dying I love the colors. The beautiful oranges, red, yellows, and even the brown. Those earthy colors make my soul sing. The apple cider and pumpkin spice wraps me in a warm comforting hug. Then we begin my favorite holiday seasons.

I haven’t been as excited for Halloween in past years as I am this year. It was always my favorite growing up but I’ve been sore over how it has been ruined these days. Long gone are the days of trick or treating door to door late at night dressed in spooky costumes and getting scared witless. Sure, kids still dress up, they have Fall Fests and trunk or treats, but it’s all done during the day and we have to be home by dark. It’s ridiculous and it had be sour over the holiday. My kids have been asking to really go all out decorating for it this year though so it has brought my spirit for it back. I usually decorate a bit. I make cutout bats and a few bloody handprints here and there but we are aiming for big this year and I am actually excited.

Then the best time for my mood comes. People tend to be friendlier, the atmosphere fresher and calmer, and an aire of happy floats in the air. After Halloween through Thanksgiving it is all about family and togetherness and amazing food.

Of course then my favorite Holiday season officially begins. I love everything about Christmas. Even when I’m not really feeling life I just sit and look at my lights and my tree and my spirits soar.

So I am very excited for the time of year. My head tends to chill a bit and some sort of genuine happiness gets to shine through for me. It’s a nice time to recharge.

It’s been rough..

The last couple months parricularly.

My demons have been winning. I am fighting but desperately losing.

I’ve been stressing over reauthorization so the kid can get back into his therapy group.

Said kid has been, well let’s be honest, a complete arse at school so far.

It’s like he is taking this preteen angst, I don’t care about anything, ugh! My life sucks, I can do whatever the heck I want business and completely milking it for all its worth.

He has 80s movie teen angst down pat, let’s just say that.

He is barely even into this tweenagedom. What gives?!

I don’t know what to do. His teachee keeps asking for ideas but, really, I have none. Right now we are just along for the ride waiting for something to give. What can you do? Hold on and hope it doesn’t last long? Wait out the moment it is outgrown?

Are all tweenagers like this? Maybe just not as extreme?

We’re learning as we go. Blatantly failing but learning.

And just hoping we all come out unscathed.

All the while, I am trying not to drown in darkness.

‘Tis my life though

I took a shower today…

I took a shower today.

That statement may not seem like much to someone who doesn’t battle mental illness, but for me it’s pretty big.

I sat on my bed for two hours trying to will myself to just take a shower. Trying to muster up enough energy to gather my clothes and walk to the bathroom.

Now, I’m exhausted again.

Exhausted from the constant battle that has been raging in my head and overtaking me for the last couple of months.

Now, I have fought with mental illness for as long as I can remember, but these past few months have been hard.

I’m not exactly sure qhat triggered it initally but I’ve been living in a constant loop of all my past unresolved trauma.

I have tried, recently, to talk about it. I have finally started to share my story but in doing so, I’ve been looping and reliving every incident.

It has been taking every thing I have to just barely stay afloat. Every time I feel like I may reach solid ground and find my footing I am pulled out further into the deepness.

I am tired. I am drained. I am utterly exhausted.

I have to fight my head everyday to get up. I have people who are counting on me and I can’t even count on myself.

I don’t want to talk anymore… I just want to escape.

My Depression and Friendships…

I recently reconnected with an old friend and we had an outing for the first time since today. As I was sitting, talking with her it made me reflect on my relationships with my friends and how my depression has occasionally caused rifts along the way.

Just about every single true friendship I have has had a falling out at some point. Sometimes it was months, others years. I’m not blaming it solely on my depression, I am at fault more often then not, but looking back I see how the timing of the fights were coinciding with my being in the pits of that brokenness.

See when it hits me hard, I break. I start to immediately put up the walls and shut down internally. On the outside though, I seem put together. I’m not sure why but the more broken I am the more I need my outward appearance to seek perfection. Contradictory as it may be, I guess it gives me some sense of control. When I am striving to keep this perceived perfection though, I am completely broken.

This has caused some issues along the way. I go into the mode of striving for perfection all the while feeling completely imperfect. My mind tells me those around me couldn’t possibly like, let alone love the true me. The me that is broken. I don’t necessarily believe they’d be better off but I do believe they deserve anyone who is not me, because anyone would be better than the me I don’t let people see. So I push them away. I sabotage the friendships in one way or another. Not completely intentionally but I know it hurts. in my quest to save them from nothing that is my existence I have to hurt them. It’s not always a grand fight. Sometimes it’s just little things that build to the point where they finally leave and sometimes I step away and won’t let them back in because I need to hurt without them.

I’ve been lucky, though. Somehow and for some reason they always eventually see through my façade and accept me back and we can jump back in like nothing every happened.  There is a long period in between though and I tend to start thinking they got smart and let me go but it always seems like just when I need them, they reach out somehow.

Now, not all of my friendships have been through this. The closest of close ones have suffered this fate, unfortunately. I guess it’s my sense of not being able to be vulnerable enough to truly let them see me, and once it starts to happen I go into fight or flight mode to survive. It sucks I bring them down with me for a while though. I’ve always felt I’m not good at this friendship thing but I guess there’s something worth being my friend for.

Anyway, thanks my loves for always coming back to me. I know sometimes it’s difficult to love me.