Today I celebrate life, but my heart is heavy.

Today is my youngest son’s birthday. I rejoice in this day. I go out of my way every year to make my kids feel extra special on their birthdays. No matter how much money we have, what is stressing me, or what is going on in our lives. I decorate our table with party ware, hang birthday banners, either cook their favorite breakfast or surprise them with donuts. I give them a couple of gifts and sing Happy Birthday. Every year. It isn’t much but they love it.

I love their innocence. I want to keep that magic alive for them as long as possible.

We had had a rough couple of birthdays for this little guy. Money has been tight in years past, dad was working out of state, Pop Pop died the week prior. Even through these difficult times I put on a happy face and wrap him up in all my love.

That blind innocence gets harder to keep alive each year. At school not too long ago, they had a gun safety course. One day this month they have drill for what to do if there is a shooting at their school. My sweet little innocent (now) seven year old came home asking if we have guns in the house and what he should do if he found one. It broke my heart that he has that on his mind and heart. In light of recent events, I am even more sad.

It breaks my heart that my kids are growing up in a world where we have to have safety drills for a school shooter. Or a  world where we have to worry about little kids getting the family gun, bringing it to school, and accidentally shooting a classmate. We live in a world where people stalk mothers in parking lots and grocery stores trying to steal their children away to sell them to the highest bidder. A world where people go to night clubs, festivals, and concerts and open fire or set off bombs on people just trying to have a good time. Our world has gone to hell in a handbasket.

This world is the one my children are growing up in. I fear for them every single day. Each birthday signifies one step closer to when they are thrust out into this big bad world all on their own.

For now though, there is nothing I can do but love them and hold them a little longer, hug them a little tighter. Most of all, I can appreciate the moments I have with them.

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Surgery, an Eclipse, and Hurricanes… Oh my!

August turned out to be an eventful month for us. The kids went back to school, I ended up in the hospital, we survived the Eclipse without going blind, and rode out the hurricane in our house.

Back to school for the big boys went off without a hitch. We got them dropped off for the first day with no tears. The day was off to a great start. My mom, baby girl, and I decided to hang out together until it was time for the boys to get out of school. Well, my body had other plans. I got incredibly sick and was in so much pain, I ended up in the hospital. Four hours in the emergency room, I finally received pain meds and a diagnosis. It was my gallbladder. It wasn’t doing so well and was making some of my other organs not fair so well either. I ended up with an infected gallbladder, liver, and pancreas. Also, my gallbladder was full of stones. So my four hours in the ER turned into four days in the hospital. We had to get the infections under control before I could have my surgery to remove the gallbladder. My surgery day ended up on the day my sweet girl started Pre-K!

Thursday came and I was still in the hospital waiting to have my surgery so my mom got to be the one to get Princess Diva ready for her very first day of school. She got to bring her into her first classroom, to leave her with her first teacher, and her first school classroom of new little friends. I am still sad I missed out but we got lots of pictures to document the day. Miss Princess Diva rocked her first day of school too! She had a fabulous day and didn’t cry at all. She has had awesome days since, as well.

I came home that Friday and the kids were great with me. They all understood I was hurting and to take it easy. That Monday we had the eclipse. Which was pretty uneventful for us because we didn’t really get to see much of it from my spot in the world. So we survived the eclipse unscathed to have another threat lurking.

Ole Hurricane Harvey was beckoning. We spent a week unsure of where he was headed and trying to figure out what we should do. It is very stressful during Hurricane season especially when there is possibility of them making landfall near your home. It is basically a waiting game until right when it hits because they are so unpredictable. The kids ended up being out of school for three days and we were stuck inside for the duration. Luckily, we survived the Hurricane unscathed as well. Surrounding areas received some damage but my little spot only had some tree limbs fall.

Suffice it to say, I am so glad August is done. I know the weather threats aren’t finished just yet but hopefully we make it through without anymore this season.

In the mean time, I am enjoying the cool front headed in and the cooler, more Fall like weather it brings, as we return to normalcy after an eventful month.

Almost time to say goodbye to Summer…

We have actually had a relatively great summer together, the kids and I. Sure, they have fought and drove me crazy. I have lost my cool. There has been some yelling and crying. By me and the kids. But we survived.

I can tell it is the ending of summer vacation though. Everyone is stir crazy and tired of each other. The anxiety levels are up. We are all becoming short tempered with each other. We need a break from our summer break.

It is hard when you are mostly stuck inside with each other all day. It has been way too hot to really do much outside for long periods of time. We don’t have a pool or a good water hose to do any water play. The parks around here aren’t very shady. Our little city doesn’t offer much entertainment wise for families either. Normally they would have spent a good bit of the summer at their grandma’s house but she has a houseguest that is keeping the kids from being able to go over. They didn’t get to go swimming at their other grandma’s apartment complex because that pool has been broken all summer.

We did get that little prehistoric adventure and had a couple birthday parties sprinkled in over the last couple months. Overall though, it has been a slow, boring summer.

I wish there were more kids in our neighborhood and that neighbors were all friendly with each other out here. When I was growing up I knew and played with everyone down my street. I was surrounded my family and cousins though. Built in friends there. I feel bad we don’t know any of our neighbors down the road. Even so, Only one has any school age children. At least the bus only stops at one other house down the road besides out next door neighbor.

So they have me and they have each other. That is about it. So together we have been. Inside playing games and watching way too much television.

At least when school starts again they will get to see different faces every day.

The Beginning

So, I have decided to take the plunge. I am going to do this blogger thing. You will have to bare with me as I find my groundings. I really hope you enjoy this little peek into my life.

Oh! Who am I?

Yeah, I guess that is an important thing to know!

Let me introduce myself. Hi! My name is Shelly. I am a stay at home mom to 4 rambunctious little turkeys. Ok, they aren’t actual turkeys but some days it does feel like they are farm animals!

I struggle with depression and this mommin’ thing. Being a mom is hard. Having depression and anxiety is hard. Raising wild turkeys is HARD! Ha! I want to share my experiences with whomever is willing to listen. To let other moms know, it’s ok. I feel called to share my struggles dealing with my own illness and also navigating life with my children, one who has Aspergers. I don’t know exactly how well I will do or how interesting I will be, but I am hoping opening up about my life will be therapeutic.

Now about those Turkeys…
K is my oldest. The one I mentioned who has Aspergers. We are still fairly new with the official diagnosis and we haven’t completely navigated with him what that means but he recognizes his differences and struggles. We are also on the verge of preteen-dom and heading to Middle School! I. AM. SCARED! Nah, I’m sure we will be just fine!

Next is Dee. He is just a year and a half behind K so not quite at preteen-dom yet but not a little kid anymore. He is a little big ole teddy bear. Kid hearted but stubborn.

Moving on to the baby boy of the family, Mr. Colt. Just a tad spoiled and a total Mama’s boy. My heartthrob, little romantic. He loves snuggling and picking flowers for me. Also, the sweetest First Grader you’ll ever meet.

Last, but not least; Miss Diva Princess, Tootie. I think the title is self explanatory but I will still tell you, she is a D.I.V.A ! Obsessed with Cheerleading and Disney Princesses. Gearing up for the big old PreK!

First blog post

Here goes nothing.

I need an outlet for the day to day struggles of being a mom and wife. I have depression and anxiety on top of trying to raise four children. I feel like blogging may be a therapeutic experience for me and a good way to reach out to anyone else facing similar struggles.

“It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply.”

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